In now over a decade of competing a ton of different fantasy sports, the dubious task of ranking a bunch of dudes chasing after a ball/puck for the sheer shake of scoring points has never rested on my shoulders. This week, I’m gonna try my best to step up and tell you which players are gonna shit on the competition and give you the big returns that fuel your green arrows of eternal joy. This is not about value, but who will get you points this gameweek. I seriously have no idea how this is done, but I’ll be using a mixture of form, fixtures and gut feel – for the record, I have a case of the bubbleguts right now as I write this, so that’s probably the X factor in all of this. TMI? Nah, just tryna be transparent, yo!

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… from an FPL perspective.  You either own the goods that is Man City, are partially involved, or are completely ignoring the problem, like a leak in the ceiling.  Well, if you aren’t fully invested into the City involvement in midfield and forward,s then I don’t know how you play this game.  Because you are playing Tiddlywinks and we are playing Mah-Jong.  Yeah I said it, Mah-Jong.  While searching my vast array of board games, I settled on Mah-Jong.  I also lost a bet and had to include the term Mah-Jong five times in this post.  C’est la vie.  There are worst terms though.  I basically threw five obtusely unrelated names of games or people into a hat and drew the one that I have said previously. So deal with it.  If you came for fantasy footie ideas and shakes patience, it is coming.  The City attack is just lethal.  The only problem is there is too many players to choose from.  With Raheem, Jesus, Leroy, Silva, KDB and the return of Aguero imminent, the choice is almost like Sophie’s choice but with six kids instead of just two.  The best part of the whole thing is that there doesn’t seem to be a bad combo of the six-headed monster, except if you want to own both Jesus or Sergio.  That just don’t make sense, it’s like to left shoes.  So while you look at your team, the time to punt down on defense is now.  Save that money for the goal scorers and forward players especially from the City-zens.  In case you wanted more ideas on transfers and FPL goodness click the button for more stuff, Mah-Jong.  Got that last one in there.  Cheers!

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Hey campers, I’ve decided to change the format this week because I’m not sure how informative any of my past takes have truly been. While the tables below are literally just the top scoring players by position per last round, I feel like giving it a try.  The MF list this week was pretty long, so I’ve left out players that didn’t score above 3 points (90 min + 1 CS for those of you scoring at home). It may not be waxing prose, but who scored the points is as relevant as it gets to our lovely pocket of the football universe, since the currency we deal in is indeed FPL points and not effort points or gold stars.

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Away: Manchester City (1) – Home: Chelsea (0)

The marquee match played at Stamford Bridge on Saturday felt like an away game for Chelsea, as Man City came out relentless from the start pressuring up top and pushing Chelsea back. Chelsea never looked comfortable playing out of the back, and Man City dominated early and often. Alvaro Morata picked up a hamstring injury in the 34th minute, and was replaced by Willian who saw little opportunity to attack alongside Eden Hazard.

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Away: Man City (6) – Home: Watford (0)

Man City is flying through the early portion of the prem – through 5 games, 16 goals scored and only 2 against (1 by Everton and 1 by Bournemouth). Aguero dominated the attack with a hat trick, Jesus netted a goal, Otamendi burried a header and Sterling scored on a late penalty. So many points to miss out on when you don’t have any of these players, which begs the question, why don’t we have any of these players? Clearly it’s time to reevaluate who you like the most between Jesus and Aguero, allocate funds and bring one of them – my advice would be to trust your gut and don’t ever look back, as they will both return points and hopping back and forth will make you lose out on consistent returns, which they will provide throughout the season as long as that attacking midfield and defense remain healthy.

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So I saw It over the weekend, and while I didn’t even come close to crapping my pants in fear (thanks hangover!), I’m about 99% sure that Harry Kane’s fear of August shares a creepy amount of commonalities with that homicidal crazed clown creature; both of them enjoy floating through open space (Kane on the pitch; the clown in a mind-altering expanse of sewer pipe only Mario would be jealous of), speaking in weird accents (seriously, listen to Harry Kane give an interview sometime), have an affinity for the color white (duh), and lastly, they both enjoy making red balloons go POP! (metaphorically speaking, that would be the hopes/dreams of all Gunner fans everywhere; FFS that’s not a spoiler! he’s a clown, he owns balloons!) Whether or not the fear of August (Augustamphobia?) has an actual effect on Kane’s past performances (it doesn’t), it’s good to see him conquering his “fears” and getting on the board with a brace, a very important and necessary step as he looks to become only the third player in Premier League history to win three consecutive Golden Boots. The other two are Prem Legends Alan Shearer and Thierry Henry, who were 24 and 26, respectively, when they won the first of their three Botas Doradas. Kane just turned 24 this past July and has two under the belt. To paraphrase another mildy entertaining movie, you’re [once again] a wizard, Harryyyy!

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Oh, Week 4 you young and burdening beast.  The season has just started and we are already questioning the judgments that we made yet a month ago.  No worries though faithful followers of the Razz.  Each week is almost like a new beginning if you had a wildcard to use at your discretion every week.  The rankings of midfielders and forwards is blossoming into a conundrum right before our very eyes.  We planted it in the summer, watched the transfer window closed and now that the shop is closed this is where we are.  18 more weeks until roster shake-ups again (if any) and the inevitable new wildcard.  So if you haven’t used your first wildcard yet, bene.  You have more restraint then most of the 5 million other players of this game.  So here are the rankings for the midfielders and forwards for week 4, regardless of wildcard.  Cheers!

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The second installment of rankings is sometimes the favored.  Because who doesn’t like to score or assist to score.  In almost any format that last sentence holds sway.  But for now let’s just skip the images in your head and talk about the meat and potatoes of the FPL weekly rankings.  These fellas are more reliant on goals, assists and the BPS to drive them over the top.  So with match-ups, form and common sense as the wind to their ranking sail the list is based on just those three things.  So look at the schedule, trust the form and pray that I have some common sense when ranking these players.  Here are the Week 3 rankings for the midfielders and forwards in the FPL. Cheers!

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Listen, I pay attention to the masses going crazy on the Twitter-verse.  We all do as proactive owners of an FPL franchise, but this Wildcard already stuff is ludicrous.  Not the rapper either.  There are so many factors that apply to this that it shouldn’t even be an option.  First, it is only Week 3 my friends, chill.  A minus 4 or even a minus 8 for a one game situation (which Week 3 is) is a far better alternative than using the wildcard.  The second and third reasons divulge further into it… so patience.  Second, the international break is one week away, which makes this a one week payoff.  What does it hurt to wait… nothing!  If anything, more knowledge and news will aide in your quest for a perfect line-up.  Lastly, the transfer window in real life ends when there is a break.  That is it shut off the lights, what we have is what we play with.  It brings names back into the foray like Coutinho, Hazard, Alexis and maybe some unknown.  As sexy as it sounds to start over now, because your point returns aren’t up to snuff, just don’t.  Wait it out.  We still will have 35 weeks to play, which if you play it out right, is a ton of time to achieve top 10k or beyond status. For some S’s and G’s here are some keen transfer ideas for Week 3 of the FPL.  Cheers!

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Welcome back all! We have two weeks down in the books, and I’ve provided some insight below into what I saw from a handful players, for better or for worse. Although I wish I could write about every player, remember that while we would to amass all of the players in the Fantasy Premier League universe, we are obligated to field a starting XI from your fifteen-man squad within the constraints of our budget. Hopefully some of these players below will at least be on your radar as you move forward with transfers and potential Wild Cards.

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