Well here we are in Match Week 3, are you panicing yet? Did you use one of your chips? Are you cursing the names of Wayne Rooney, Eden Hazard, and Theo Walcott? Not to worry there’s more free transfers tomorrow and you can’t start re-shaping your squad one piece at a time. Let’s not forget this is a gentleman’s game like golf or a duel, one must be patient. Wait patience isn’t a good thing in duel’s so scratch that last part but you get the jist. We’re once again giving you our loves and hates for each week in a segment called Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em. You should know the drill but if you don’t, we each pick one option from each position (except keepers cause they’re…..zzzzzzzzz….sorry I went to sleep), and then, for a bonus, we show you our genius line-ups for the week. Pretty cut and dry, and quite simply… basic. The best part is, you get two opinions for the price of one. We do this as a tandem, it’s the Smokey and Ralph show. It’s like musical chairs, without all the screaming kids and regretful feeling of loss. So sit back, relax, and have a look at who we would start and sit based on match-ups and value. It’s Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em Week 3 Fantasy Premier League.
Start – Darren Randolph, West Ham £4.5 (vs. Bournemouth) – The Cherries are still scoreless in their short stint in the Premier. Couple that with a guys first game since the bush administration and that all equals good things. It’s like an opposite day type thing just trust me.
Sit – Costel Pantilimon, Sunderland £5.0 (vs. Swansea) – You ever heard the expression, band-aids don’t fix bullet holes. Well the gaping wound that is not clotting is Sunderland and their defense. THink beach scene Saving Private Ryan type stuff.
Start – Alex McCarthy, Crystal Palace £4.0 (vs. Aston Villa) – So to all of you out there with useless backup keeps on your bench that cost the same as McCarthy, I have one question. Why haven’t you switched to McCarthy yet? I’ll go a step further anyone rostering a Hart, Courtois, or Cech, why haven’t you switched yet? He costs four mill. That’s the minimum price for god sakes. Don’t waste your quid on keeps.
Sit – Simon Mignolet, Liverpool £5.5 (@Arsenal) – I want no part of Liverpool away at the Emirates. No part at all, I wouldn’t touch Mignolet with Smokey’s team.
Start – Bacary Sagna, Man City £5.0 (@Everton) – Everyone wants to jump in the arms race for the top teams defender. Kolarov and Kompany are owned all over this piece. Take the road less traveled for the same thing but cheaper. I am also eating my hat after VK scored last week, anyone have some Tabasco?
Sit – Branaslav Ivanovic, Chelsea £7.0 (@West Brom) – Just 1 point from the most expensive fantasy defender in all the land. Pass it to the left and just enjoy the high from someone else.
Start – Ashley Williams, Swansea £5.0 (@Sunderland) – What sounds more beautiful than a date with a Swan at the Stadium of Light? Hell that sounds like the title of one of those pornos for women. Anywho, start Ashley and expect the 6 and maybe some bonus points. In opta formats Williams is a top 15 defender in the official he’s solid 3 or a stream option. No a three is not a pee and a poop. Or maybe it is.
Sit – Nathaniel Clyne, Liverpool £5.5 (@Arsenal) – So far so good for Mr. Clyne on the Merseyside, but this week I’m looking elsewhere. Go back to the Mignolet blurb, rinse, and repeat.
Start – Xerdan Shaqiri, Stoke £7.0 (@Norwich) – Love debuts for new clubs they always seem to either make me look good (which is hard to not) and Stoke are in dire need of a up front force to bed that “guy”. Usually I am that “guy”, but usually for inappropriate comments or random crop dusting.
Sit – Eden Hazard, Chelsea £11.5 (@West Brom) – Avoid all Blues, and that’s from a Blue. So let’s look at this logically, he has played arguably worse then Cesc has 1 less point then him but doesn’t lose any value this week. Makes sense to me. Whomever dictates the prices is sitting to the left of my Brana post.
Start – Andre Ayew, Swansea £7.1 (@Sunderland) – Glyfi who? Ayew should already know who the new King of the Welsh midfield is. It’s the Black Star that shines the brightest. No not Yaasin Bey or Mos Def or whatever he calls himself its Ayew boi!
Sit – Ross Barkley, Everton £6.6 (vs. Man City) – The scariest thing to consider after the first two weeks is being City’s next opponent. Ross has looked excellent through the first few games, but he won’t be afforded the space he was vs Watford and Southampton.
Start – Connor Wickham, Crystal Palace £5.9 (vs. Aston Villa) – Palace are going to explode one of these weeks, so I am just going to keep shuffling my start card around the corps. Looks like he is settling in up top and has to be completely unlucky to not score in the next 2 matches.
Sit – Wayne Rooney, Man United £10.5 (vs. Newcastle) – Don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe type fantasy analysis you may hear elsewhere that he has a great scoring record against Newcastle. News flash geniuses, he has scored 185 career goals, he has scored against everyone.
Start – Bafetimbi Gomis, Swansea £7.2 (@Sunderland) – I’m going with the Welsh stack this week. Gomis has been one of the greatest bargains of the season. If you had him since week kudos to you. Do they still have kudos bars? Those were good.
Sit – Harry Kane, Spurs £9.5 (@Leicester City) – At £9.5 he’s tough to stomach with the current production. There are still question marks in my mind and Leicester is in top form in the early going. Wait till the price drops and come back to well.