Diana Ross and The Supremes: The top and most supreme picks, easily gonna be one of Mo Salah or Kane. Flip a damn coin, I don’t know. Watford have given up mad goals all season and only had 2 cleans at home – versus Stoke and West Ham – whereas Brighton have kept one clean at home all season, and that was versus Newcastle. I personally will be going Salah. I’m done questioning him, and I think his form is too tremendous to ignore – 2 goals in 23 minutes last week, he’s now “rested” and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised one bit if he does not play a full 90 versus the Seagulls. Liverpool have a big Champions League match versus Spartak Moscow 3 days later at Anfield. Good news is that it’s at home, so he and the rest of the team will be fully prepared for their midweek clash. But got damn, if he just plays 60 minutes he’s gonna get returns. Dude’s hungry, dale comida mi pueblo!

As far as Kane goes, yes, Spurs are due for a big haul and it could be this week, but you shouldn’t feel guilty if you go for the more consistent option at this point of the season. They both make sense, Kane for volume and historic reasons we often give too much credit too, and the other, Salah, the King of Motown, for his ridiculous form that bear witness to in the present.

Stevie Wonder: Sterling is the wonder boy at Man City at current moment, and either he or Sané will bag some volume points versus the worst defense in the Premier League. City face West Ham on Sunday, and I guarantee there will be a shelacking at the hands of the light blue twinkle that have grown so bright under Pep’s left eye. If I had to Captain one, I’d go with Sané because he’s guaranteed to feature after not playing midweek and everyone at City might score a brace versus West Ham. Sterling, however, has gotten way more touches in the box than Sané, mainly because he has Kyle Walker pushing behind him on his side, allowing him to break forward and barrel down toward the center. Sané’s cover in the back is currently Fabian Delph, who is Kyle Walker after being hit with a tranquilizer dart. Positioning makes all the difference in a sport as high paced as Premier League football, and Sterling has showed thus far that he exceeds in being at the right place at the right time – he also might not even play a minute.

Jackie Wilson: Now before any Motown afficionados get mad on me naming the punt category after the legendary Mr. Jackie Wilson, let’s consider this final captaincy pick as the one that nobody will have, aka the “Lonely Teardops” of picks. Right back to the Pep koolaid wishing well, this lonely man, a Brazilian left to his own devices tasked with marshalling the midfield and protecting his precious attacking assets up top, Fernandinho is an island all too himself. That being said, everyone knows that tropical islands are party destinations, and goals will be providing the major form of entertainment on Ilha São Fernandinho. He’s owned in just 8% of leagues, and you’d have to be a moron to captain him over any bigger names, but Pep’s system gonna Pep and goals will reign down upon thee Hammers heads, quite possibly a few even from Ederson!