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In now over a decade of competing a ton of different fantasy sports, the dubious task of ranking a bunch of dudes chasing after a ball/puck for the sheer shake of scoring points has never rested on my shoulders. This week, I’m gonna try my best to step up and tell you which players are gonna shit on the competition and give you the big returns that fuel your green arrows of eternal joy. This is not about value, but who will get you points this gameweek. I seriously have no idea how this is done, but I’ll be using a mixture of form, fixtures and gut feel – for the record, I have a case of the bubbleguts right now as I write this, so that’s probably the X factor in all of this. TMI? Nah, just tryna be transparent, yo!

Forwards:

  • Harry Kane, Spurs (H, Crystal Palace)
  • Sergio Aguero, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Jamie Vardy, Leicester (A, Stoke)
  • Gabriel Jesus, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Romelu Lukaku, Man United (A, Chelsea)
  • Roberto Firmino, Liverpool (A, West Ham)
  • Andre Gray, Watford (A, Everton)
  • Tammy Abraham, Swansea (H, Brighton)
  • Alexandre Lacazette, Arsenal (A, Man City)
  • Alvaro Morata, Chelsea (H, Man United)
  • Jay Rodriguez, West Brom (A, Huddersfield)
  • Joselu, Newcastle (H, Bournemouth)

 

  • Outside of Kane, there are some dogshit fixtures for the big dawgs this week. Thankfully, Harry Kane was subbed off on Wednesday’s Champion’s League match, so he should be good to go for the weekend. He might only need one half to do all his damage versus Crystal Palace. He’s my captain pick this week.
  • I guess I would put Jesus 2nd on this list if there was some guarantee that he’s the one starting. That being said, even though he didn’t play yesterday vs Napoli, I can’t believe Aguero gets benched versus the Gunners; Jesus is just not as good as Kun, and City is not letting off the throttle any time soon.
  • If Leicester play the counter like they did last week under Puel, Vardy is a great bet to get a goal away to Stoke. Love him this week.
  • Lukaku facing Chelsea doesn’t seem like the match he’s bound to score in. Likewise with Lacazette going up against Man City and Morata versus Man United. Tough week for the big guys.
  • No Troy Deeney for three matches means Andre Gray is gonna play. Outside of Spurs, Watford has the best fixture this week away to dumpster fire defense Everton.

Midfielders:

  • Leroy Sané, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Mo Salah, Liverpol (A, West Ham)
  • Christian Eriksen, Spurs (H, Crystal Palace)
  • Raheem Sterling, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Deli Alli, Spurs (H, Crystal Palace)
  • Eden Hazard, Chelsea (H, Man United)
  • Riyadh Mahrez, Leicester (A, Stoke)
  • David Silva, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Kevin de Bruyne, Man City (H, Arsenal)
  • Richarlison de Andrade, Watford (A, Everton)
  • Alexis Sanchez, Arsenal (A, Man City)
  • Pascal Groß, Brighton (A, Swansea)
  • Heung-Min Son, Spurs (H, Crystal Palace)
  • Wilfried Zaha, Crystal Palace (A, Spurs)
  • Abdoulaye Doucouré, Watford (A, Everton)
  • Mesut Ozil, Arsenal (A, Man City)
  • Demarai Gray, Leicester (A, Stoke)
  • Anthony Martial, Man United (H, Chelsea)
  • Aaron Ramsey, Arsenal (A, Man City)
  • Matt Ritchie, Newcastle (H, Bournemouth)
  • André Ayew, West Ham (H, Liverpool)

 

  • Sane is top dog this week at the middie position, as he’s bagged one goal and one assist in each game over his last three premier league matches. If anyone scores versus Arsenal, it’s Sane (note: my bubbleguts say he’s getting rotated, so make sure you have better than a big zero on your bench).
  • No, I don’t like ranking any of these midfielders, but damn I have no clue where to put Alexis. He’s basically where he is in the rankings so you hopefully forget he exists for the next few weeks. Sanchez will be firing at some point this fantasy season, but it might be with another team.
  • Salah and Firmino should absolutely roll all over West Ham.
  • My boo Richarlison, valeu!!!!
  • The official Demarai Gray watch is on – if he becomes a constant presence in the Leicester City attack, he is a great budget-option midfielder the rest of the way.
  • Either Eriksen or Alli are captain material this week if you want to step outside the Kane-O-Sphere. I also see Son getting some potential minutes, hence my unrealistic ranking of him – but if he plays/starts, watch out!