So I saw It over the weekend, and while I didn’t even come close to crapping my pants in fear (thanks hangover!), I’m about 99% sure that Harry Kane’s fear of August shares a creepy amount of commonalities with that homicidal crazed clown creature; both of them enjoy floating through open space (Kane on the pitch; the clown in a mind-altering expanse of sewer pipe only Mario would be jealous of), speaking in weird accents (seriously, listen to Harry Kane give an interview sometime), have an affinity for the color white (duh), and lastly, they both enjoy making red balloons go POP! (metaphorically speaking, that would be the hopes/dreams of all Gunner fans everywhere; FFS that’s not a spoiler! he’s a clown, he owns balloons!) Whether or not the fear of August (Augustamphobia?) has an actual effect on Kane’s past performances (it doesn’t), it’s good to see him conquering his “fears” and getting on the board with a brace, a very important and necessary step as he looks to become only the third player in Premier League history to win three consecutive Golden Boots. The other two are Prem Legends Alan Shearer and Thierry Henry, who were 24 and 26, respectively, when they won the first of their three Botas Doradas. Kane just turned 24 this past July and has two under the belt. To paraphrase another mildy entertaining movie, you’re [once again] a wizard, Harryyyy!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to Week 2 of your new favorite fantasy footy analysis, Tapping Your Captain. As a quick, obvious recap, I’ll be suggesting captain’s picks in the official FPL game that you should possibly consider to get a leg (ha, soccer pun!) up on your competitors. I will make those suggestions in categories of obvious, weekly match up based, and subversive hipster pick to make everyone think you know more about soccer than they do.  Guess which category is my favorite?

Before we get into the picks, I’m also going to take a weekly and a cumulative tally of how brilliant or idiotic my picks have been.  What’s good analysis to you if you can’t track how helpful it is anyway? To get a little more specific, I’ll be reviewing picks with specific objectives in mind. For example, I’ll be okay with my Captain Chaos picks varying wildly, so long as every couple of weeks I hit a big winner.  Conversely, my Captain Clear-cut better not throw up too many stinkers.

So with that said, let’s review Week 1.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Prem is here, and we can all now rejoice. Now that the season has kicked off, I will be doing my best to fill your Mondays with sweet, fond memories from the games from over the weekend. I also ask for some patience as I work through how to best provide both a summation and meaningful outlook on the matches.

I was hoping to write about all 20 teams for this post, but it started to become lengthy and I started to get sleepy. So, here are my notes over the weekend on Arsenal to Liverpool (alpha order because why not?)…I will hopefully have Man City to West Ham by tomorrow.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This is the start of one of my weekly features highlighting possible captain’s plays for the week. Besides the obvious research in suggesting potential captaincy choices, including sleepers, triple players, and matchup players, the real difficulty in this column is clearly making sure I pick a snazzy title. Captain’s Call?  Too on-the-nose.  In the Captain’s Chair?  No pop to it. Oh Captain My Captain? Too obscure. I’m losing readers already!

Please, blog, may I have some more?