I have a hypothetical for y’all, is a midfielder rankings really a midfielder rankings with no Gunners or Reds? At least 2 middies from each club have been featured in the rankings every week for almost the entire season. So I have to put in some extra work this week. To describe how this makes me feel I’ll borrow the words of an angry Teamster I once met named Butch. “STINK-O!!” So who’s sneaking into the rankings this week? Especially when arguably the two best clubs in action, Chelsea and Man United, face-off against each other. Who will be our heroes of the short schedule week? I feel like Bonnie Tyler looking for someone to unlock my secret dreams and forbidden fire. I’ll tell you who it’s a young priest and an old priest who bear striking resemblances to one Telly Savalas. It’s a boy named Jonjo and an old man named Esteban. That’s right it’s all about the bald and beautiful in M-dub 33. Each follically challenged midfielder has me buying their current form and hitching myself to the hairless wagon. I look at it this way with Jonjo Shelvey, Gylfi just doesn’t look like the same guy and Jonjo has been in the best current form of the Swansea mids. Don’t get me wrong you could go Ki and I wouldn’t kick you in the mouth for being stupid. But I have a feeling way down in my plums about Jonjo, and I don’t think it has anything to do with my scrotum’s resemblance to his head. TMI? Don’t care you read me willingly. As for Esteban Cambiasso, he’s been playing well and Leicester is peaking. This should be a fun match to watch on Saturday. Well enough of the small talk let’s get down to business.

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Short games scheduled weeks are the opposite of the cat’s pajamas.  They are like the homeless cat’s dumpster.  Limited options, limited potential to transfer, heck we are all going to scramble to even field a full and actually competitive squad this week.  Look at it this way, if you can double your point total in 2 weeks then consider that a win for you my friend.  Finding 11 rosterable guys that won’t completely nuke your team for the upcoming weeks with only one transfer is a telling task.  My best advice is build for tomorrow and take your lumps this week.  No one is going to score 100 plus points this week, if they do then good on them.  It’s not happening.  So shoot for a full squad and 50, and next week when everyone is scoring a hondo you can say to yourself,  Self “Good job”.   Here’s the guardians of the box and the pacifiers of goals it’s week 33 defender rankings.

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I could start this post the way you expect me to, and talk about the short schedule and how we’re down to 7 matches and 14 teams but no I’m not going to do that. Or did I just do that?  Well either way no I’m going to instead complain about Boaz Myhill and how much of a turd sandwich wrapped in a used colostomy bag he’s been. Well maybe it’s not his fault, maybe it’s the corpse of a defense now being trotted out there under the guise of a Tony Pulis backline. What’s a matter Tony? This is soooo not like you. I expect this sort of horse manure from Andre Villa-Boas or Gus Poyet but not you. Myhill has been getting pummeled the last two weeks facing 11 shots and allowing 7 goals. I am officially declaring myself Myhill free. I will not include him this post and I’m throwing away all the mix CD’s he made me. That’s right mix CD’s! I still use a Discman and enjoy the feel of cold shinny plastic in my hands. It’s really of no consequence most of the songs were sappy Welsh folk music. No matter here’s the Goalkeeper ranks for Week 33.

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After a one month hiatus the Champions League choo-choo starts chugging along again today, and with it, quarterfinal contests on Mondogoal. Over the next two days arguably six of the world’s ten biggest clubs will hit the pitch. Unfortunately for most of us footie addicts in the States these games will be played toward the tail end of our work days. Meaning we’ll spend most of the afternoon refreshing our browser and keeping an eye out for the boss. With a Madrid Derby and a showdown between Juventus and Monaco on the schedule there’s plenty to keep your interest. Well unless you’re more interested in Home and Garden TV then you might get bored of staring at the pretty green grass after about 20 minutes. That’s fine don’t watch, but be a pal and keep a lookout for the bossman. If you do I’ll split my winnings on Mondo with you. Who knows, it may just be enough to buy a feast at McDonalds or floor mats for your Ford Focus. Not sure if you realize this but Mondogoal pays real money and it’s the only place where you can play daily fantasy soccer in every league of any relevance. Hell I was able to make $50 on the Natick Youth soccer league last week. Speaking of that I’d like to clear the air and say in no way, shape, or form did I provide any of the players I picked with Redbull soaked orange slices. Those are outright lies and I have a sterling reputation to uphold in the community. Now that we’ve cleared the air let’s get down to my UCL quarterfinal picks for the first leg.

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With the abbreviated schedule this week, its all about setting yourself up.  Whether you were a miser and kept your wild card or if you take it one at a time like dudes at a “soup kitchen”.  Either way this week is about do you have enough to field a roster, can you help yourself for week 34 where 4 clubs have a double week.  Granted only 2 of those teams have real usable fantasy options, but just imagine this, a roster of 6 Chelsea and Liverpool players and the best of the rest from other squads.  Sounds pretty good to me, well it’s basically what alot of teams have already as they should be maxing out on Chelsea and Liverpool players.  Well as much as salary restraints allow naturally.  But let’s stay in the here and now because Spring has sprung, it gives us more reason to pay attention to all those joggers and actually seeing skin from people.  Let’s see what’s going down with the transfer ideas/targets for the week of Larry Bird.

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It’s been a long season of Daily Fantasy Footie for addicts like me. One minute you’re up and you’re the smartest man who ever lived, the next you’re kicking yourself for having so much faith in Burnley. It’s a topsy turvy wild ride of emotion and many weeks you find yourself loving a player but hating his price. Some weeks it’s nothing but ten cent bags of crap and million dollar sports cars, with nothing in between. My friends I bring you news of great joy, this isn’t one of those weeks. There are deals o’ plenty if you know where to look. There’s deals on forwards, and keepers for pennies, defenders for a dollar, and midfielders for a minor fee. These are the weeks on Mondogoal where you build that theoretical perfect lineup and wonder what they know that you don’t. Sometimes you’re dead letter perfect in these weeks finding all the value en route to cashing big, other times you’re just full of delusions, and bad farts. Well actually I’m always full of bad farts. Probably all the processed meat…Here are my picks for Mondogoal contests for Week 32 of Fantasy Premier League.

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So, as we do every match day, we’re giving you our loves and hates for this week in a segment called Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em.  You should know the drill but if you don’t, we each pick one option from each position, and then, for a bonus, we show you our genius line-ups for the week.  Pretty cut and dry, and quite simply… basic.  The best part is, you get two opinions for the price of one.  We do this as a tandem, it’s the Smokey and Ralph show.  It’s like musical chairs, without all the screaming kids and regretful feeling of loss. So sit back, relax, and have a look at who we would start and sit based on match-ups and value. It’s Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em Week 32 Fantasy Premier League.

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The comfort of forwards, it’s like that all broken in chair at your Me-Maw’s.  It smells a little like cat and a lot like cat piss.  Because cats aren’t stupid they most certainly take advantage of the comfiest seat in the joint.  Then they go take a dump in a box, which is now being affectionately known as an Aquero, but at least the cats “score” once in 6 hours.  This week is a calm before the storm week, especially in the forward ranks and it is hard to let some guys go who are off next week because the fixtures this week are so yummy and delicious.  It’s like that time me and Ralph strolled through the hoods of West Boston, chilling.  He was playing he mandolin and I my harmonica.  Thinking about how one day it would be Rex Manning day again.  Ahhh haven’t had times like that since my days doing summerstock and playing opposite Meredith Baxter Birney in a play entitled “Backstreets Back..Alright”.  Before I get all emotionall quick click the read more button for week 32’s forward rankings.

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Is anyone else even a little disappointed that Daniel Sturridge is temporarily “healthy”? No not even a little? I say temporarily, because we all know a blade of grass might brush across his hamstring on Monday night, and send him to the physio table for an extended period. My hope for an extended Sturridge injury has nothing to do with my United fandom, or even a healthy dislike of Sturridge. It’s because there’s nothing better for Sterling and Coutinho’s value then a Sturridge on the sidelines. When either of them slips into the top position in the false nine formation employed so many times by Brendan Rodgers in Sturridge’s absence, the results have been good. In the weeks where Sturridge has played 45 minutes or less the pair have combined for 8 goals and 13 assists. Each has provided top value as a second or third midfield option in these weeks. Unfortunately Sturridge returned last week, dashing any and all hopes of a 7 week stretch to end the season without the Electric Worm in the lineup. Oh well, doesn’t mean he won’t get hurt 10 minutes in. Does England have any training sessions scheduled between now and Monday? Those are always good for a soft tissue injury for old Danny. Midfield rankings Week 32 ahead.

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The keepers of the back end are here.  When I used to have money I had armed guards protecting my back end.  Now since I lost all my money in the frozen concentrated orange juice market, I am resolved to preaching the world of fantasy-inomics to all of y’all. So technically it’s a windfall for all of us because where would I be with out you and versa visa.  This week has some really delicious fixtures that will line-up nicely with the stretch run of games.  Funny that 3 of the top 5 teams over the last six games face off against 3 of the bottom five this week.  That is like walking down the street and having the master key to all the parking meters.  Quarter after quarter.  You get richer step by step, just don’t get caught because you get thrown in the clinker and Big Bob gets first dibs.  Here’s the defender rankings for the week of 32, which if you subtract the digits you get one so that’s where I will start the rankings…at one.  Makes total sense now go get your helmets on so you don’t get hurt.

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