The forward post is here folks.  I must admit I have been on a semi uninspired lull lately and lost my inspiration.  But no fear, Smokey always shows up….eventually.  The forward post is basically the happy hour of all the rankings.  You get discounted drinks (players) and a crowded room full of expectations and dreams of finding a nice mate for the day or week or the rest of the season.  At this point in the season you have to be set at forward or have a comfortable rotation like when you were a kid on your sit/spin.  The worst part is there are only so many usable forwards to go around this week and the person that most resembles Kenny Rogers in the Gambler is going to come out with the most kwan.   Focus on the lesser double teams this week, as Chelsea and Liverpool have about as many usable forward options as Scunthorpe. So enjoy the rank and file for week 34 forwards.

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Way back in olden times when yours truly was a little Lifshitz roaming the halls of the local high school, I dated a beautiful young honor student named Felicia. The two of us were inseparable following each other wherever we went. As a non-honor student myself this had its perks. I would show her where to skip class and smoke cigarettes and she in turn would show me how to kiss up to teachers, and help me finish my calculus homework. It was a glorious time. Every so often our school would have an honors night. The kind of shindig where they give awards away to the top student in each subject. After the first of maybe a dozen awards it became quite obvious that 2-3 students were winning all of the honors. The reason I tell you this is it sort of reminds me of the midfielder rankings this week. All of the featured players pretty much play for 3-4 clubs, as we all try and take full advantage of the double week. So read on through the ranks littered with Chelsea, Liverpool, Leicester, and maybe even a Hull Tiger! Who knows I’m feeling saucy!

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Calm down I know what all of you are thinking, you’re thinking “Oh no what happened to Smokey?” “Did he finally get sick of carrying Ralph on his back and quit?” “Was he stabbed by Ralph in the aftermath of Saturday’s Man United/Chelsea showdown?” “Does he not like all of us?” The answer to all of these questions is donkey brains! What?!? That’s right Smokey came down with a bad case of donkey brains and needed me to pickup the slack while he got his head right. So I’m going to be giving you a far less insightful, far less entertaining version of the defender rankings. Think of it this way, if Smokey is Cheez-Its, then I’m Cheese-nips, I’m the diet coke of defenders, the Big Country to Smokey’s U2. So without further ado lets list Chelsea, Liverpool, and Leicester defenders shall we?

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Ranking players is going to be easy this week. So easy, that I’ve decided to delegate the responsibility of ranking them to a very talented chimp named Hambone. I’ve been assured by his handlers that Hambone watches Premier League football religiously and fully understands the scoring and setup of FPL. So don’t worry gents (and ladies?) I’ve left you in good hands. Albeit monkey hands, but from a quick google search it seems that monkey hands, are exactly like human hands, except furry and cute. Funny, furry and cute is exactly what a monkey wants to hear about his hands not what you want to hear when you’re showing the goods for the first time. No matter, we’re not here to discuss monkey appendages and such, we’re here to talk keepers. You know the guys who wear those bright shirts and padded gloves and dive around like primates fighting over the last banana. It’s simple this week, because we have four clubs with the always fashionable double week. Keepers tend to be clean sheet dependent but any keeper in the double week is always worth a gamble, and here’s why. If you can get the 2 for minutes played and the 1 for saves twice you’re looking at the equivalent of a CS. That’s totally doable for any of the keeps this week. So the top four will be ranked accordingly. See like I said it’s easy. So sit back and let Hambone do the work. Heck, I did…

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The title says it all this week.  Load your rosters to the high hell with the double week guys.  There’s no other way around it.  You wanna score in triple digits you need at least 5 guys with a 2 game set.  You have to do it.  The high week this week might push 150 and the average is going to be in the hondo range, and that’s not John Wayne.  So with Chelsea, Liverpool, Hull and Leicester all on the double, you can if you are so daring have a complete roster of all double week players.  That is if you hoard your WC like some guy on an intervention show on the Discovery Network.  At best you should have 3 of either Chelsea or Liverpool players gracing your roster and at minimum 6 total from all teams playing the Ernie Banks special.  So without further adieu let’s take a peek at what I would bring in for the week of 34.

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So, as we do every match day, we’re giving you our loves and hates for this week in a segment called Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em.  You should know the drill but if you don’t, we each pick one option from each position, and then, for a bonus, we show you our genius line-ups for the week.  Pretty cut and dry, and quite simply… basic.  The best part is, you get two opinions for the price of one.  We do this as a tandem, it’s the Smokey and Ralph show.  It’s like musical chairs, without all the screaming kids and regretful feeling of loss. So sit back, relax, and have a look at who we would start and sit based on match-ups and value. It’s Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em Week 33 Fantasy Premier League.

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The forward ranks this week basically feature every starting forward option that isn’t garbage or up for debate at game time.  Those three teams are Newcastle, Chelsea and West Ham.  No one wants anything to do with any of those three teams this week anyways.  everyone is still bitter at Remy for last week getting all boo-boo’s up.  If you start 3 forwards this week you are a brave person because it most likely means that you transferred in one and got rid of a team that is absent from this week.  I am not happy about this weeks short schedule and I am holding my breath until it’s officially over.  Enjoy the week 33 forward ranks….holding breathe starting now.

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I have a hypothetical for y’all, is a midfielder rankings really a midfielder rankings with no Gunners or Reds? At least 2 middies from each club have been featured in the rankings every week for almost the entire season. So I have to put in some extra work this week. To describe how this makes me feel I’ll borrow the words of an angry Teamster I once met named Butch. “STINK-O!!” So who’s sneaking into the rankings this week? Especially when arguably the two best clubs in action, Chelsea and Man United, face-off against each other. Who will be our heroes of the short schedule week? I feel like Bonnie Tyler looking for someone to unlock my secret dreams and forbidden fire. I’ll tell you who it’s a young priest and an old priest who bear striking resemblances to one Telly Savalas. It’s a boy named Jonjo and an old man named Esteban. That’s right it’s all about the bald and beautiful in M-dub 33. Each follically challenged midfielder has me buying their current form and hitching myself to the hairless wagon. I look at it this way with Jonjo Shelvey, Gylfi just doesn’t look like the same guy and Jonjo has been in the best current form of the Swansea mids. Don’t get me wrong you could go Ki and I wouldn’t kick you in the mouth for being stupid. But I have a feeling way down in my plums about Jonjo, and I don’t think it has anything to do with my scrotum’s resemblance to his head. TMI? Don’t care you read me willingly. As for Esteban Cambiasso, he’s been playing well and Leicester is peaking. This should be a fun match to watch on Saturday. Well enough of the small talk let’s get down to business.

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Short games scheduled weeks are the opposite of the cat’s pajamas.  They are like the homeless cat’s dumpster.  Limited options, limited potential to transfer, heck we are all going to scramble to even field a full and actually competitive squad this week.  Look at it this way, if you can double your point total in 2 weeks then consider that a win for you my friend.  Finding 11 rosterable guys that won’t completely nuke your team for the upcoming weeks with only one transfer is a telling task.  My best advice is build for tomorrow and take your lumps this week.  No one is going to score 100 plus points this week, if they do then good on them.  It’s not happening.  So shoot for a full squad and 50, and next week when everyone is scoring a hondo you can say to yourself,  Self “Good job”.   Here’s the guardians of the box and the pacifiers of goals it’s week 33 defender rankings.

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I could start this post the way you expect me to, and talk about the short schedule and how we’re down to 7 matches and 14 teams but no I’m not going to do that. Or did I just do that?  Well either way no I’m going to instead complain about Boaz Myhill and how much of a turd sandwich wrapped in a used colostomy bag he’s been. Well maybe it’s not his fault, maybe it’s the corpse of a defense now being trotted out there under the guise of a Tony Pulis backline. What’s a matter Tony? This is soooo not like you. I expect this sort of horse manure from Andre Villa-Boas or Gus Poyet but not you. Myhill has been getting pummeled the last two weeks facing 11 shots and allowing 7 goals. I am officially declaring myself Myhill free. I will not include him this post and I’m throwing away all the mix CD’s he made me. That’s right mix CD’s! I still use a Discman and enjoy the feel of cold shinny plastic in my hands. It’s really of no consequence most of the songs were sappy Welsh folk music. No matter here’s the Goalkeeper ranks for Week 33.

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