The title should say it all, I know they play each other one of the fixtures but it’s still double your pleasure double your fun. Though I don’t think this involves gum or the hot twins that promote that product. Here at Razz-footie we don’t have a female representative, unless you count when I lose a bet and have to paint my toenails a ridiculous color of fuchsia. But that is a story for another time and a few pints between us to know that you are actually cool enough to know said information. This week strategy is simple, maximize players. You are going to be playing 2 Arsenal defenders, and one Sunderland. Or if you are feeling frisky and wanna pull off the band-aids from your nipple nice and slow do it reverse. It’s your team or nipple, so have at it hoss. So stick around as I break down the top XI defenders for the week of menopause, I mean 37 of Fantasy Premier League.
1. Hector Bellerin, Arsenal £4.8 (@Man United, vs Sunderland) – I like youth. That’s why he is number one. Last week they fell asleep for about 1 min and it cost them, and all of us, the CS. They’re getting one this week so every Gunners defender starts at 6 and then add from there.
2. Laurent Koscielny, Arsenal £6.0 (@Man United, vs Sunderland) – There is no doubt that he is going to play all 180 minutes of his double barring injury. He is the keystone on the back end. That most important stitch on a thong. The straw before the one that broke the camel’s back. Get it? Cool I was running out 0f cool things to say.
3. Per Mertesacker, Arsenal £6.0 (@Man United, vs Sunderland) – I didn’t wanna put him third but as you can see I did. I was peer pressured as a part Arian. They said they would change my blues eyes to brown. Brown eyes are for commoners and Amway salesman.
4. Branislav Ivanovic, Chelsea £7.7 (@West Brom) – He is still the Wreckx-N-Effect of the early 90’s hip hop crowd, just in a I play soccer way. Queue John Terry playing the Saxaphone on the beach. You’re welcome for putting that image in your noggin.
5. Aleksandar Kolarov, Man City £5.7 (@Swansea) – Go look at his last 3 fixtures and do the math. Yea he has been a goal devouring Russian sex tornado. You throw sex onto anyone and it makes them intriguing. Now picture Jason Voorhies in some nice stiletto heels.
6. Wes Morgan, Leicester £4.5 (@Sunderland) – I don’t wanna play the Foxes not one bit. They look like Meryl Streep after she had to pick a kid in Sophie’s Choice, but with super powers, shorts, boots and a ball. This week it’s an easy choice if you are already loaded up on the double dudes.
7. Patrick van Aanholt, Sunderland £4.1 (vs. Leicester, @Arsenal) – The only Cat I would bring in for the double. I don’t trust anyone else and to be quite honest they have 2 awfully tough matches on their docket. PaV will get you basically what a top defender will this week with the allure of watching him twice.
8. Nacho Monreal, Arsenal £4.9 (@Man United, vs Sunderland) – Wenger is going to all outside the box with his weird and mystical ways and somehow not play Nacho both games. I could insert Chambers here and it would make sense. Outside the top 3 Arsenal guys everything else is a crap shoot.
9. Jeffrey Schlupp, Leicester £4.5 (@Sunderland) – Leicester is going to grab the Black Cats and drag them to the local chinese food place and sell them wholesale in this one. At times when I watch him on the pitch he shows “it”. If I knew what “it” was I wouldn’t tell because it’s probably something with a secret handshake and requires mustache wax.
10. Phil Jagielka, Everton £5.8 (@West Ham) – Baines is gone so someone from the Toffee’s deserves to be here. West Ham is all cooked up and we forgot to put the pineapple rings on them. The Hammers haven’t scored a goal more than 1 goal in forever, I looked that up and it some sort of record.
11. Cesar Azpilicueta, Chelsea £6.2 (@West Brom) – Got the game off last week so he is going to play 104 percent. The Baggies are meh and the Blues should wrap this one up early before Jose parks the bus and brings in Obi One No goalies.