It’s like The Day After Tomorrow with this week’s rankings, or also known as Week 1 after WC. Yeah, we are getting all biblical with the defenders this week. If you aren’t good and don’t behave, I will do a full mass with a full communion. Now stop hitting your brother. This week, the usual juggernaut defense’s of Man City and Chelsea pit heads against each other and basically are neutralizing their play-ability. That’s okay, because if you follow us here, we explained and mapped out the ROS schedule in Ralph’s Strength of Ranker, and it is augmented. Yeah, we got all types of vocabulary skills with our Wildcard Strategy. So if you are late to the party, you owe us each a shot and a beer and about 15 minutes of reading. For those of you that are on point, team all tidy lets just get to the Week 23 rankings, today the defenders of the crown, or goal, or what have you. Good luck and cheers!
1. Ryan Bertrand, Southampton £5.8 (vs. Swansea) – The Swans are walking around with a broken neck. You know what a Swan with a broken neck is? Fertilizer. Their midfield is going to be a MASH unit of I think Hawkeye, Sugar Lips, Klinger and Radar. Even Jonjo has to bow to that line-up.
2. Nathaniel Clyne, Southampton £5.8 (vs. Swansea) – Expect a clean sheet, even if the midfield holding corps of the Saints isn’t pristine. The Swans are going to be all 6’s and 7’s through the midfield.
3. Nacho Monreal, Arsenal £4.8 (vs. Aston Villa) – Love Nacho’s this week. I am still deciding on whether I want beef or chicken though. Arsenal is coming off back to back cleans and he has 16 points in his last two. Villa has two, count them, two away goals in last six, and only four all year.
4. Daryl Janmaat, Newcastle £5.3 (@Hull) – Daryl has been quiet, the reason is that he goes into hibernation when Walking Dead is off. He faces Hull, who for all intents and purposes is by most standards meh (3 goals in last 6 home matches). Meh is the expert analysis that I went to ITT Tech for years to master.
5. Kiernan Trippier, Burnley £4.8 (@Sunderland) – I am going to be bold and say he scores in this fixture. That is a rare feet to try and predict from a defender on a team that isn’t the goal scoring king of anything. I still say he does and now I am arguing with myself. No one is listening, leave me alone!
6. Marc Muniesa, Stoke £4.4 (vs. QPR) – QPR away from Loftus is like the Hulk away from anger. Their home/away splits are awful. For example they scored only 5 goals away and conceded 24, a 5-1 ration is never any good unless going to college or at a pub.
7. Phil Jones, Man United £5.3 (vs. Leicester) – This is officially the first ranking for a United defender all year by me. So congrats Phil, you get a wheel of cheese and an autographed picture of my cohort Ralph. I expect a clean, but United never makes anything fun in the back, they are like a swing set with no monkey bars.
8. Florin Gardos, Southampton £4.8 (vs. Swansea) – Love the Saints, and was going to be greedy and add in Jose Fonte, but I decided not to. It was the Saintly thing of myself to do. Saint Smokey has a glorious ring to it, too bad I look awful in cloak like garbs. I do like to partake in the frankincense and myrrh type stuff though. Medicinally of course.
9. Laurent Koscielny, Arsenal £5.9 (vs. Aston Villa) – If you didn’t gloss over my love for Nacho, then all the same holds true here. Villa bad, like left the milk out in the sun too long type bad. Bonus points and maybe an assist is what you want plus the clean. For the man with the holy name you would think he would be a man of the people.
10. Branaslav Ivanovic, Chelsea £7.2 (vs. Man City) – I had to put a City or a Blue’s defender in here somewhere. I decided on Brana becaused I like him matched up against the City defenders rather then the opposite. I am not expecting much from any defenders in this match but if he is on your roster you can’t sit the most expensive defender in the game. You don’t sit Jordan when he plays Magic…do ya?
11. Martin Skrtel, Liverpool £5.8 (vs. West Ham) – This game to me has slobber-knocker written all over as Liverpool were handled previously at Boleyn by 3-1. I don’t expect the same result as both teams are different form wise. I could see this 2-2 and finish with 10 men for one side.