The only way to watch something is to have a vested interest.  Now take that interest and imagine getting in the $30,000 qualifier.  Now imagine you finding 2 dollars and getting into that same tournament.  Hell you can walk the streets, maybe give a guy or girl a special favor for 2 bucks.  I mean you are most likely underselling yourself but that is just an example.  I mean 2 bucks in the States is only 40 cans or basically my Friday and Saturday night so you can come raid my garbage for next week and say I am your sponsor for the Mondogoal tournament plays.  I am a giver, I get the buzz you get the chance to be a big time winner.  Sounds about fair and the story of my life honestly and truthfully.  This week has some juicy match-ups and I am rolling out a squad that might mimic a week 8 affair, but the wily vets and their tantalizing price and form lately made me do it.  So hop in your Delorean, or a newer more reliable car and take a look at the guys I am investing my 2 quid on this week for a chance at the big time.

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The crown jewel of the week is here.  Ok you can all take your seats now.  The forwards are awesome, there are no better point chase but comfort level all in one package in football.  It’s true, they bring new terminology to set-it-and-forget-it.  It’s either that or they bring additional hyphens into play that are not only fun but when spelled out make a dash.  So onto this week’s forward rankings, it’s now the time to gamble.  If you’re not gambling with roster moves then you should have just quit 34 weeks ago.  It’s crunch time, don’t make me post some inspirational John Belushi stuff to get you all fired up.  You shouldn’t need it.  So go get the best options take the deductions if necessary and go get that title.  I gotta use the jacks, but enjoy the forward rankings for week 35.

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It’s been a long season, one long enough that post season/player of the year awards have already been handed out.  Not for nothing but you guys couldn’t have waited a few more weeks?  This is nothing new, I’ve followed the league long enough to understand that, but there’s still four weeks left in the season.  What if it was a close race?  Sure this season it wasn’t close, it was obvious that Eden Hazard was the hands down winner.  But all I’m saying is what if it wasn’t a runaway?  Call me nitpicky, call me fickle, call me a daft American if you will.  Just don’t call me Shirley.  Now that my second rant of the week is out of the way lets get to hand holding, chanting, and ranking some midfielders shall we.  This week begins with the usual Belgian love machine known as Eden Hazard. Though I’d be remiss if I didn’t scold him for providing minimal returns in the double week. Then again who didn’t have him captained, so my real beef lies elsewhere, but we’ll get into that momentarily. Now let’s make a list of guys who kick inflated balls.

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What’s disappointing, hopefully better next time and red all over? No not Ralph’s twig n’ berries it’s Liverpool’s defense.  A day after screwing the proverbial pooch against the Tigers, I’m here to tell you to stand tall lads and believe in the boys who never walk alone.  That last statement sounded like something a 1950’s greaser gang would use as a tag line on their patch. “Hey Pony Boy, Never Walk Alone”..”Yeah Ralphie never walk alone!!”  The problem with the Liverpool backline is knowing which ones are going to start, because there’s really only one constant.  That would be Ole Skrtel Feathers.  Last week Alberto Moreno killed me, no shock his name translates to “Brown Al”.  Looks like Dejan Lovren has found his way to regular playing time but he’s hot garbage in the alley behind the pub.  That’s where I do my best work in the alley behind the pub just ask anybody that knows me.  It’s where I found these magic beans which give me the power to rank players better than anyone else on this planet. Defender Ranks week 35 read on young man.

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Man does it feel funny posting this with when there’s still a game left to play in Matchweek 34. Anything could happen Thibaut Courtois could break a leg or insult Jose’s Vavo and get sent to the bench for the rest of the term. Kasper Schmeichel could go AWOL, join a circus, and not show up for today’s match. These are all possibilities, stranger things have happened. Well doesn’t matter we must trudge on and rank these keepers because the fate of the world depends on it. FPL is the mechanism for freedom and justice in the world and without my astute and priceless advice we’d all be up shite’s creek without a paddle. Yes these rankings are that important.

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The forward post is here folks.  I must admit I have been on a semi uninspired lull lately and lost my inspiration.  But no fear, Smokey always shows up….eventually.  The forward post is basically the happy hour of all the rankings.  You get discounted drinks (players) and a crowded room full of expectations and dreams of finding a nice mate for the day or week or the rest of the season.  At this point in the season you have to be set at forward or have a comfortable rotation like when you were a kid on your sit/spin.  The worst part is there are only so many usable forwards to go around this week and the person that most resembles Kenny Rogers in the Gambler is going to come out with the most kwan.   Focus on the lesser double teams this week, as Chelsea and Liverpool have about as many usable forward options as Scunthorpe. So enjoy the rank and file for week 34 forwards.

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Way back in olden times when yours truly was a little Lifshitz roaming the halls of the local high school, I dated a beautiful young honor student named Felicia. The two of us were inseparable following each other wherever we went. As a non-honor student myself this had its perks. I would show her where to skip class and smoke cigarettes and she in turn would show me how to kiss up to teachers, and help me finish my calculus homework. It was a glorious time. Every so often our school would have an honors night. The kind of shindig where they give awards away to the top student in each subject. After the first of maybe a dozen awards it became quite obvious that 2-3 students were winning all of the honors. The reason I tell you this is it sort of reminds me of the midfielder rankings this week. All of the featured players pretty much play for 3-4 clubs, as we all try and take full advantage of the double week. So read on through the ranks littered with Chelsea, Liverpool, Leicester, and maybe even a Hull Tiger! Who knows I’m feeling saucy!

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Calm down I know what all of you are thinking, you’re thinking “Oh no what happened to Smokey?” “Did he finally get sick of carrying Ralph on his back and quit?” “Was he stabbed by Ralph in the aftermath of Saturday’s Man United/Chelsea showdown?” “Does he not like all of us?” The answer to all of these questions is donkey brains! What?!? That’s right Smokey came down with a bad case of donkey brains and needed me to pickup the slack while he got his head right. So I’m going to be giving you a far less insightful, far less entertaining version of the defender rankings. Think of it this way, if Smokey is Cheez-Its, then I’m Cheese-nips, I’m the diet coke of defenders, the Big Country to Smokey’s U2. So without further ado lets list Chelsea, Liverpool, and Leicester defenders shall we?

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Ranking players is going to be easy this week. So easy, that I’ve decided to delegate the responsibility of ranking them to a very talented chimp named Hambone. I’ve been assured by his handlers that Hambone watches Premier League football religiously and fully understands the scoring and setup of FPL. So don’t worry gents (and ladies?) I’ve left you in good hands. Albeit monkey hands, but from a quick google search it seems that monkey hands, are exactly like human hands, except furry and cute. Funny, furry and cute is exactly what a monkey wants to hear about his hands not what you want to hear when you’re showing the goods for the first time. No matter, we’re not here to discuss monkey appendages and such, we’re here to talk keepers. You know the guys who wear those bright shirts and padded gloves and dive around like primates fighting over the last banana. It’s simple this week, because we have four clubs with the always fashionable double week. Keepers tend to be clean sheet dependent but any keeper in the double week is always worth a gamble, and here’s why. If you can get the 2 for minutes played and the 1 for saves twice you’re looking at the equivalent of a CS. That’s totally doable for any of the keeps this week. So the top four will be ranked accordingly. See like I said it’s easy. So sit back and let Hambone do the work. Heck, I did…

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I have a hypothetical for y’all, is a midfielder rankings really a midfielder rankings with no Gunners or Reds? At least 2 middies from each club have been featured in the rankings every week for almost the entire season. So I have to put in some extra work this week. To describe how this makes me feel I’ll borrow the words of an angry Teamster I once met named Butch. “STINK-O!!” So who’s sneaking into the rankings this week? Especially when arguably the two best clubs in action, Chelsea and Man United, face-off against each other. Who will be our heroes of the short schedule week? I feel like Bonnie Tyler looking for someone to unlock my secret dreams and forbidden fire. I’ll tell you who it’s a young priest and an old priest who bear striking resemblances to one Telly Savalas. It’s a boy named Jonjo and an old man named Esteban. That’s right it’s all about the bald and beautiful in M-dub 33. Each follically challenged midfielder has me buying their current form and hitching myself to the hairless wagon. I look at it this way with Jonjo Shelvey, Gylfi just doesn’t look like the same guy and Jonjo has been in the best current form of the Swansea mids. Don’t get me wrong you could go Ki and I wouldn’t kick you in the mouth for being stupid. But I have a feeling way down in my plums about Jonjo, and I don’t think it has anything to do with my scrotum’s resemblance to his head. TMI? Don’t care you read me willingly. As for Esteban Cambiasso, he’s been playing well and Leicester is peaking. This should be a fun match to watch on Saturday. Well enough of the small talk let’s get down to business.

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