I could start this post the way you expect me to, and talk about the short schedule and how we’re down to 7 matches and 14 teams but no I’m not going to do that. Or did I just do that?  Well either way no I’m going to instead complain about Boaz Myhill and how much of a turd sandwich wrapped in a used colostomy bag he’s been. Well maybe it’s not his fault, maybe it’s the corpse of a defense now being trotted out there under the guise of a Tony Pulis backline. What’s a matter Tony? This is soooo not like you. I expect this sort of horse manure from Andre Villa-Boas or Gus Poyet but not you. Myhill has been getting pummeled the last two weeks facing 11 shots and allowing 7 goals. I am officially declaring myself Myhill free. I will not include him this post and I’m throwing away all the mix CD’s he made me. That’s right mix CD’s! I still use a Discman and enjoy the feel of cold shinny plastic in my hands. It’s really of no consequence most of the songs were sappy Welsh folk music. No matter here’s the Goalkeeper ranks for Week 33.

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After a one month hiatus the Champions League choo-choo starts chugging along again today, and with it, quarterfinal contests on Mondogoal. Over the next two days arguably six of the world’s ten biggest clubs will hit the pitch. Unfortunately for most of us footie addicts in the States these games will be played toward the tail end of our work days. Meaning we’ll spend most of the afternoon refreshing our browser and keeping an eye out for the boss. With a Madrid Derby and a showdown between Juventus and Monaco on the schedule there’s plenty to keep your interest. Well unless you’re more interested in Home and Garden TV then you might get bored of staring at the pretty green grass after about 20 minutes. That’s fine don’t watch, but be a pal and keep a lookout for the bossman. If you do I’ll split my winnings on Mondo with you. Who knows, it may just be enough to buy a feast at McDonalds or floor mats for your Ford Focus. Not sure if you realize this but Mondogoal pays real money and it’s the only place where you can play daily fantasy soccer in every league of any relevance. Hell I was able to make $50 on the Natick Youth soccer league last week. Speaking of that I’d like to clear the air and say in no way, shape, or form did I provide any of the players I picked with Redbull soaked orange slices. Those are outright lies and I have a sterling reputation to uphold in the community. Now that we’ve cleared the air let’s get down to my UCL quarterfinal picks for the first leg.

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It’s been a long season of Daily Fantasy Footie for addicts like me. One minute you’re up and you’re the smartest man who ever lived, the next you’re kicking yourself for having so much faith in Burnley. It’s a topsy turvy wild ride of emotion and many weeks you find yourself loving a player but hating his price. Some weeks it’s nothing but ten cent bags of crap and million dollar sports cars, with nothing in between. My friends I bring you news of great joy, this isn’t one of those weeks. There are deals o’ plenty if you know where to look. There’s deals on forwards, and keepers for pennies, defenders for a dollar, and midfielders for a minor fee. These are the weeks on Mondogoal where you build that theoretical perfect lineup and wonder what they know that you don’t. Sometimes you’re dead letter perfect in these weeks finding all the value en route to cashing big, other times you’re just full of delusions, and bad farts. Well actually I’m always full of bad farts. Probably all the processed meat…Here are my picks for Mondogoal contests for Week 32 of Fantasy Premier League.

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The comfort of forwards, it’s like that all broken in chair at your Me-Maw’s.  It smells a little like cat and a lot like cat piss.  Because cats aren’t stupid they most certainly take advantage of the comfiest seat in the joint.  Then they go take a dump in a box, which is now being affectionately known as an Aquero, but at least the cats “score” once in 6 hours.  This week is a calm before the storm week, especially in the forward ranks and it is hard to let some guys go who are off next week because the fixtures this week are so yummy and delicious.  It’s like that time me and Ralph strolled through the hoods of West Boston, chilling.  He was playing he mandolin and I my harmonica.  Thinking about how one day it would be Rex Manning day again.  Ahhh haven’t had times like that since my days doing summerstock and playing opposite Meredith Baxter Birney in a play entitled “Backstreets Back..Alright”.  Before I get all emotionall quick click the read more button for week 32’s forward rankings.

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Is anyone else even a little disappointed that Daniel Sturridge is temporarily “healthy”? No not even a little? I say temporarily, because we all know a blade of grass might brush across his hamstring on Monday night, and send him to the physio table for an extended period. My hope for an extended Sturridge injury has nothing to do with my United fandom, or even a healthy dislike of Sturridge. It’s because there’s nothing better for Sterling and Coutinho’s value then a Sturridge on the sidelines. When either of them slips into the top position in the false nine formation employed so many times by Brendan Rodgers in Sturridge’s absence, the results have been good. In the weeks where Sturridge has played 45 minutes or less the pair have combined for 8 goals and 13 assists. Each has provided top value as a second or third midfield option in these weeks. Unfortunately Sturridge returned last week, dashing any and all hopes of a 7 week stretch to end the season without the Electric Worm in the lineup. Oh well, doesn’t mean he won’t get hurt 10 minutes in. Does England have any training sessions scheduled between now and Monday? Those are always good for a soft tissue injury for old Danny. Midfield rankings Week 32 ahead.

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The keepers of the back end are here.  When I used to have money I had armed guards protecting my back end.  Now since I lost all my money in the frozen concentrated orange juice market, I am resolved to preaching the world of fantasy-inomics to all of y’all. So technically it’s a windfall for all of us because where would I be with out you and versa visa.  This week has some really delicious fixtures that will line-up nicely with the stretch run of games.  Funny that 3 of the top 5 teams over the last six games face off against 3 of the bottom five this week.  That is like walking down the street and having the master key to all the parking meters.  Quarter after quarter.  You get richer step by step, just don’t get caught because you get thrown in the clinker and Big Bob gets first dibs.  Here’s the defender rankings for the week of 32, which if you subtract the digits you get one so that’s where I will start the rankings…at one.  Makes total sense now go get your helmets on so you don’t get hurt.

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Few clubs in the Premiership have been playing the quality of football that Arsenal have played of late. They’ve won 7 consecutive and only given up 5 total goals along the way. Life is easy when you’re David Ospina. Not only does he see very little action in and around his net. He also doesn’t have to face the high powered Arsenal attack. The downside is this can make things a bit boring, just ask Wojciech Szczesny. He took to Dr. Hackington’s cancer sticks to pass the time. So Arsene Wenger gave him a signature ashtray on the bench. I wonder if he has a cup holder? I prefer alcohol with my cigs. But different strokes and all that. Let’s hope Ospina is wiser with his hobbies of choice. Since taking his place as the #1, the Colombian is 2nd among keepers in points per game at 4.2. Only that tall glass of water Costel Pantilimon averages more, and it’s by just a smidgen at 4.3. With a week 32 matchup with Burnley upcoming and an off week in MW 33. Ospina and the Gunners should be FPL gold. So get up with the North London guns and tell your league mates to run the jewels.

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The name says it all, this week Mondogoal has the guaranteed opportunity to win a signed kit of the Premier leading Chelsea.  Not only my team but countless others.  It’s footie, it’s gambling for money and prizes what could be better.  I will tell ya what..nothing.  Besides maybe an all you can eat buffet of caramels.  MMMm caramels.

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It’s Week 31 the first in a string of upcoming double weeks and the forwards have all the value for this week’s two-timing clubs. Of course I’m talking about those handsome devils Chuck Austin and Christian Benteke. I couldn’t blame you for bringing in one or both this week to try and exploit those sexy double up points. I know I’m sexualizing these two like Nacer Chadli covered in baby oil. What can I say? I love some forward double up and you should too. Benteke is finding his form and Chuckie has been the biggest surprise of the FPL season outside Harry Kane. After all we’re talking about the 4th highest scoring forward in Austin and the 2nd highest form rated forward in Benteke. Forward Ranks Week 31 good luck lads!

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Is there anything in sports like the International break? A two week period where some players get time to rest, relax, and refocus, while others do twice the work in the name of national pride. With this in mind I’m pushing Eden Hazard down a spot or two after featuring twice in the last 7 days for Belgium. We call that a Belgian dip, it’s how they do it in Belgium. Hazard played 70 minutes in the the Red Devils (yes that’s Belgium’s nickname) thumping of Cyprus, and 63 minutes in their 1-0 victory over Israel. I expect Hazard to play but wouldn’t be shocked if he’s subbed in the 70th minute or so of Chelsea’s home match with Stoke. In other Week 31 news of importance we have double weeks for Villa and QPR, but you already knew that if you read yesterday’s keeper and defender rankings….go read them now! We don’t do this for the entertainment of each each other for Christ sakes it’s for your benefit. Don’t worry I’ll say my 6 Our Fathers and 3 Hail Mary’s for taking the lord’s name in vain. Middle men rankings Week tres- uno.

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