Man does it feel funny posting this with when there’s still a game left to play in Matchweek 34. Anything could happen Thibaut Courtois could break a leg or insult Jose’s Vavo and get sent to the bench for the rest of the term. Kasper Schmeichel could go AWOL, join a circus, and not show up for today’s match. These are all possibilities, stranger things have happened. Well doesn’t matter we must trudge on and rank these keepers because the fate of the world depends on it. FPL is the mechanism for freedom and justice in the world and without my astute and priceless advice we’d all be up shite’s creek without a paddle. Yes these rankings are that important.

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The title says it all.  We want a return to normalcy round here.  That means not sleeping with cousins unless you can legitimately prove they are 3 times removed from family lineage. That week took a lot out of not only me but a lot of owners.  It came and went fairly unheralded…so far.  With 2 games left to play and some seasons riding on some good outputs from some key players, I figured it was never too early to look at the waiver wire and find some transfer gems for this week.  You know the guys that will fill in for all the parts you brought in for the double week, as we slowly dissect our rosters one by one of useless “bring in” guys to get our roster to the A team for the last 4 games.  Have no fear though, week 37 is right around the corner and we can start lumping all the Gunners and Black Cats into our squads.  But for now let’s take a look at this week’s list of favorable or guys that I see as having an impact sooner rather than later.

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So, as we do every match day, we’re giving you our loves and hates for this week in a segment called Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em.  You should know the drill but if you don’t, we each pick one option from each position, and then, for a bonus, we show you our genius line-ups for the week.  Pretty cut and dry, and quite simply… basic.  The best part is, you get two opinions for the price of one.  We do this as a tandem, it’s the Smokey and Ralph show.  It’s like musical chairs, without all the screaming kids and regretful feeling of loss. So sit back, relax, and have a look at who we would start and sit based on match-ups and value. It’s Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em Week 34 Fantasy Premier League.

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The forward post is here folks.  I must admit I have been on a semi uninspired lull lately and lost my inspiration.  But no fear, Smokey always shows up….eventually.  The forward post is basically the happy hour of all the rankings.  You get discounted drinks (players) and a crowded room full of expectations and dreams of finding a nice mate for the day or week or the rest of the season.  At this point in the season you have to be set at forward or have a comfortable rotation like when you were a kid on your sit/spin.  The worst part is there are only so many usable forwards to go around this week and the person that most resembles Kenny Rogers in the Gambler is going to come out with the most kwan.   Focus on the lesser double teams this week, as Chelsea and Liverpool have about as many usable forward options as Scunthorpe. So enjoy the rank and file for week 34 forwards.

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Way back in olden times when yours truly was a little Lifshitz roaming the halls of the local high school, I dated a beautiful young honor student named Felicia. The two of us were inseparable following each other wherever we went. As a non-honor student myself this had its perks. I would show her where to skip class and smoke cigarettes and she in turn would show me how to kiss up to teachers, and help me finish my calculus homework. It was a glorious time. Every so often our school would have an honors night. The kind of shindig where they give awards away to the top student in each subject. After the first of maybe a dozen awards it became quite obvious that 2-3 students were winning all of the honors. The reason I tell you this is it sort of reminds me of the midfielder rankings this week. All of the featured players pretty much play for 3-4 clubs, as we all try and take full advantage of the double week. So read on through the ranks littered with Chelsea, Liverpool, Leicester, and maybe even a Hull Tiger! Who knows I’m feeling saucy!

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Calm down I know what all of you are thinking, you’re thinking “Oh no what happened to Smokey?” “Did he finally get sick of carrying Ralph on his back and quit?” “Was he stabbed by Ralph in the aftermath of Saturday’s Man United/Chelsea showdown?” “Does he not like all of us?” The answer to all of these questions is donkey brains! What?!? That’s right Smokey came down with a bad case of donkey brains and needed me to pickup the slack while he got his head right. So I’m going to be giving you a far less insightful, far less entertaining version of the defender rankings. Think of it this way, if Smokey is Cheez-Its, then I’m Cheese-nips, I’m the diet coke of defenders, the Big Country to Smokey’s U2. So without further ado lets list Chelsea, Liverpool, and Leicester defenders shall we?

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Ranking players is going to be easy this week. So easy, that I’ve decided to delegate the responsibility of ranking them to a very talented chimp named Hambone. I’ve been assured by his handlers that Hambone watches Premier League football religiously and fully understands the scoring and setup of FPL. So don’t worry gents (and ladies?) I’ve left you in good hands. Albeit monkey hands, but from a quick google search it seems that monkey hands, are exactly like human hands, except furry and cute. Funny, furry and cute is exactly what a monkey wants to hear about his hands not what you want to hear when you’re showing the goods for the first time. No matter, we’re not here to discuss monkey appendages and such, we’re here to talk keepers. You know the guys who wear those bright shirts and padded gloves and dive around like primates fighting over the last banana. It’s simple this week, because we have four clubs with the always fashionable double week. Keepers tend to be clean sheet dependent but any keeper in the double week is always worth a gamble, and here’s why. If you can get the 2 for minutes played and the 1 for saves twice you’re looking at the equivalent of a CS. That’s totally doable for any of the keeps this week. So the top four will be ranked accordingly. See like I said it’s easy. So sit back and let Hambone do the work. Heck, I did…

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The title says it all this week.  Load your rosters to the high hell with the double week guys.  There’s no other way around it.  You wanna score in triple digits you need at least 5 guys with a 2 game set.  You have to do it.  The high week this week might push 150 and the average is going to be in the hondo range, and that’s not John Wayne.  So with Chelsea, Liverpool, Hull and Leicester all on the double, you can if you are so daring have a complete roster of all double week players.  That is if you hoard your WC like some guy on an intervention show on the Discovery Network.  At best you should have 3 of either Chelsea or Liverpool players gracing your roster and at minimum 6 total from all teams playing the Ernie Banks special.  So without further adieu let’s take a peek at what I would bring in for the week of 34.

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So, as we do every match day, we’re giving you our loves and hates for this week in a segment called Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em.  You should know the drill but if you don’t, we each pick one option from each position, and then, for a bonus, we show you our genius line-ups for the week.  Pretty cut and dry, and quite simply… basic.  The best part is, you get two opinions for the price of one.  We do this as a tandem, it’s the Smokey and Ralph show.  It’s like musical chairs, without all the screaming kids and regretful feeling of loss. So sit back, relax, and have a look at who we would start and sit based on match-ups and value. It’s Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em Week 33 Fantasy Premier League.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The forward ranks this week basically feature every starting forward option that isn’t garbage or up for debate at game time.  Those three teams are Newcastle, Chelsea and West Ham.  No one wants anything to do with any of those three teams this week anyways.  everyone is still bitter at Remy for last week getting all boo-boo’s up.  If you start 3 forwards this week you are a brave person because it most likely means that you transferred in one and got rid of a team that is absent from this week.  I am not happy about this weeks short schedule and I am holding my breath until it’s officially over.  Enjoy the week 33 forward ranks….holding breathe starting now.

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